Dont try to argue with him about why hes choosing his family over his wife. Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. Assertiveness entails that you use I statements. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him.". OP: After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. He Bows To His Domineering Parents (And Expects You To Do The Same) One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husband's parent (s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. I know that youre hurt now. But that I think we need counseling. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. I was married at the age of 23 and my husband was 27. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. Prioritize yourself. She has been known to subsist on coffee and soup for days at a time, and when she isn't writing or tending her garden, she can be found wrestling with various knitting projects and befriending local wildlife. And, quite frankly, if he cant change his ways and treat you as an equal to his family, there are any great choices. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. Required fields are marked *. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. Inshallah Look at it as a blessing that he is no longer wasting your time and now you can be with someone who does want to be with you. Maybe you just imagined that hes been neglecting you. Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. His conscience is killing him and he feels compelled to go back to his old habits. All rights reserved. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. Men, generally, promise to be there for their wives, to never leave them alone, to be their protector, and what not. What is the reason for it? Dont try to criticize their views or tell them that they are wrong for making those views heard. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. My husband has 3 elder sisters. We can only ever process situations through a filter of our own experiences, and what one person considers normal and acceptable might be absolutely appalling to another. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. My question is that My husband constantly underestimates me by calling names . Marriage, in reality, is not like it is portrayed in Hallmark movies. 1. I will admit that your post was a little difficult for me to understand (are you using an online translator? My Istikhara came out as yes, but I dont like him! Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. In case divorce takes place, then Allaah Says (what means): {But if they separate [by divorce], Allaah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. His and your family will always be part of your marriage. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. You have answered a lot of your questions and gave reasonings. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. What can I do about it? He lacks sexual desire for you..He keeps you in an apartment with his 4 cousinsThat could easily lead to My cousins are astrayhow do I advise them? But what ever they buy its none of my business. Family issues are always tricky. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. He says I am trying to dictate to him and his family . We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. As a consequence of them maturing early, they usually learn how to be independent from an early age and get married sooner than men. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Does Islam allow this. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. Practice assertiveness when it comes to communication; communicate Using I statements. Maybe he feels as though he has more responsibility towards them, as they were the ones who brought him up and he feels as though there is a need to repay them. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. I found true love after Nikah with another. The same with a husband. Remember, marriage is all about teamwork. Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. Another reason your spouse might choose his family over you is if you and your in-laws are living under the same roof. This is a reality many married women face in India. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. Why? speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com, chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero, How To Deal With A Husband Who Wont Talk To You About Anything, 7 Simple Tips To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage, 13 Sad Signs Of A Selfish Husband (+ How To Deal With Him), 5 Reasons You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship/Marriage, 16 Surefire Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track, 14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship, How To Deal With Someone Who Repeatedly Disrespects Your Boundaries, How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. But you cannot always choose your family over your spouse. Your husband is in control of his life, not you. Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. Related Reading: Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all. Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways? The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. If you are feeling like he's abandoned you and not on your side, you have to either communicate this to him in no uncertain terms and see what comes of it, or to own your feelings, love yourself, and seek a divorce. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. . What can I do about it? Thats not how issues are solved. 1. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. The fact that he chose someone else over you should not stop your life or should not make you feel bad about yourself. Or will he accept the fact that he overlooked your emotions? Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. I hate being attracted to women, and have sworn to Allah that I will never get married, He is honestly not in my heart at all, as my parents forced me, I am living the life of a prisoner with my husband. So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Here you'll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. When i say i have no place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his mother and sister . Did you go for couple counselling? It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. Manage Settings Do not build resentment over this. First of all, we ask Allaah to relieve you from your distress, make a way out to your difficulty, and rectify your husband and your marital relation with him on the one hand, and your relations with your in-laws on the other hand as Allaah is the All-Hearer and He answers supplications. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. If your husband is choosing his family over you repeatedly, then you have to remember he has been psychologically conditioned to do so since his childhood. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. Dont let your anger turn into resentment. He vowed to stand by your side for better or worse, and now hes reneging on that vow. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? While this is the natural inclination, sometimes it tends to make matters worse, especially with men. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. If i defend my self my rights i am wrong rude. Please give me your suggestions and give me sense of this issue. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? Ive lost my self confidence. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. And i told him I understood. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. Perhaps you just needed affirmation. This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. You feel betrayed and abandoned by your husband. A person who comes from a very large, close-knit Asian family may have a very different dynamic from someone who was raised in a small, reserved Scandinavian family instead. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. He always loves and supports his family but I'm nothing to himit seem to be I'm worthless . I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care ofI'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care of. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? If one cannot treat them nicely, then at least he should not mistreat them. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. The way to approach situations where his parents feel that it is okay to force their views and wishes upon you is to do so tactfully and respectfully. Remember that those people are his parents. Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. Actually it was an arranged marriage. Youll either need to establish dominance in this hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or leave. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. You know best. 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To become an animal when he does n't think he is their first.
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